Couples in the trenches

Navigating the deep sexual we-space

From the moment I encountered Authentic Relating in 2016, I dreamed of taking it into the world in three specific areas: sexuality, business & entrepreneurship, and Intentional Community (IC).

Well... it’s happening. It’s been both the most exciting and the most destabilizing period of my life.

This article is the first of a three-part series. It includes,

• Part 1 (this article, Couples in the trenches) will cover what I have learned and experienced in the first 4 months of “rubber hits the road” of my moving to Berlin to live with my new wife S. She is also an AR leader, which means we aren’t just trying to live-out the AR dream of a permanent emotional and sexual we-space, we are also running programs together (such as the next cohort of Authentic Relating in Community which starts Sept. 2). I am now living and sleeping with my business partner.

• The second article (Monetizing Authentic Relating: the Courage to Lead and my Entrepreneurial Awakening) tells how I got started running professional programs 1½ years ago, and the surprising thing I recently discovered relating to the monetization of AR – a topic of deep interest to many in the movement. It ends with an invitation to a peer-support / Mastermind group, in which I hope to explore these issues within an AR container.

• The third article (Building AR Intentional Community: Lessons from the Edge) gives some of my history in building AR-inspired Intentional Community (IC), my stay at the Transformational Connection (TC) house in Portugal, and some exciting things happening in our AR peer group relating to our search for an AR IC.

So hold on to your seats—we’re going on a ride together. Alongside all the relational growth, my personal and professional life have been completely upended by Artificial Intelligence. You may have already noticed this in my shorter, less navel-gazing writing style and the slick new cover images for these posts. AI is a whole other story that will get its own article soon. It’s a real game-changer for entrepreneurs in every field—including AR.

An Update on My Marriage: When the Rubber Hits the Road

I arrived in Berlin late March, permanent visa in hand and three suitcases in tow: all my worldly belongings. After a whirlwind of cross-continental courtship, the romance suddenly had a roof, bills, and two volatile personalities trapped in two large rooms: our bedroom and our living room / public meeting space. Plus a small shared kitchen and tiny bathroom. Add intense financial pressure and you have the ingredients for a psychological disaster.

I’m a self-described "recovering asshole": reactive, judgmental, and very moody. She’s deeply private, fierce, and allergic to anything that looks like a judgment or condescension — which I deliver very freely.

Only fools in love (such as we were—and are) would have bet on this lasting. In the end, our intense emotional and sexual connection saved the day.

Psychological Death & the Turning Point

After several months of heavily triggering each other —sometimes acting more like
"love-hungry carnivores” than human lovers [Max Eastman] —we stumbled into a kind of fragile peace, alternating with deep happiness. I am here to tell how this happened.

Each fight brought me face-to-face with what I call "psychological death". Psychological death means the loss of the woman I love, the loss of my business / lifestyle / transformational dream, and returning to America to become (as Randy in my men’s group said) a “broke, depressed alcoholic”. This prospect was very real to me.

But one day, I snapped out of it. I realized that this fear wasn’t truth—it was addiction, or what I call "drama queen" or "fear factory". I would survive.

That realization cracked something open.

Her Ask: Stop Blaming Me

With her permission, I’ll share this:

S. asked me—relentlessly—to take more responsibility for my experience. To stop saying "You are ___" and start saying "Ouch."

This was rough for me. Because (let’s be honest), I thought I was right about her.

But over time, I began to see her point: I was miserable before I met her. Clearly, it's not her fault, if I remain miserable afterwards, at times.

What really threw me was that she was asking me to embody a level of ownership she herself (in my eyes) wasn’t modeling. It felt hypocritical. Then I saw it: as a neuro-diverse person (Asperger), I’m highly triggered by unfairness and illogic. But if I’m waiting for the world (or her) to be fair and logical before I show up as love... I’ll die waiting.

My Rage Problem (And Hers)

I’m also terrified of anger—especially when it comes without connection intent, or what I call "fair fighting". I thought I was better at anger than her because I stayed “rational.” But what I was really doing was retreating into intellect and dodging intimacy.

It didn’t work. She got angrier. I got colder, more distant and more hopeless.

I was stuck on my story: if she really wants me so much, why does she seem so determined to destroy me? Can’t she see that that she is killing me? I simply could not understand it.

The Real Fear: Surrender

Finally, another shift: I asked myself—if it's true that I am better at anger, why not model it? Why not stay connected, present, and receptive even when she’s acting "crazy"? Why not assume at least 10% of what she’s saying is actually true, and 100% is emotionally true?

What would be the danger of this attitude? Only to my ego. And to some very old trauma.

I saw that every time I could stay with her intensity, something softened in both of us. She would calm down. I would feel proud. We would both feel more connected. And it would usually lead to some fabulous sex.

We repeated this cycle maybe 15 or 20 times. And then… the turning point. It happened a few months ago. I wasn’t certain at the time, if I could sustain it. We were in a pressure cooker.

The Feminine Responds to Presence

But here’s the thing: like all deep-feminine people, S. is exquisitely sensitive to presence and to what we call “the real love”. Any time she’s upset, I now see it as a call for me to grow. Not because she’s always right. But because her distress invites a deeper me to emerge.

I’m not claiming we’re “healed.” That would be ingenuous.

But I will say this: every time we come back together after disconnection, it feels ecstatic.

Maybe that’s the point of relationship: the bliss of re-connection after a rupture?

Maybe my entire context of a loving relationship (that we should always “fight fair”) is wrong?

Or maybe I’m just a drama queen with a 24x7 production fear factory (such as I sometimes accuse her of)? Maybe I need this intensity to feel alive, and must enroll others in my drama?

Or maybe it’s all of the above? What we call in AR, “multiple simultaneous perspectives”?

AR Support Communities: Our Lifeline

Three support groups saved my sorry ass:

• My men's group, which I formed 6 years ago and has been meeting weekly ever since. Randy told me, "You and S. are each other’s perfect shadow projections." That landed, among other very wise things that I heard there.

• Our AR peer group, born from one of our courses. Five of us, meeting every week in deep we-space. They’ve mirrored our patterns and offered fierce love, and vice-versa. We are now talking about living together, joining or even founding an IC. I will say more about this in the final article, Building AR Intentional Community: Lessons from the Edge.

• Relateful.com, my AR alma mater. S. and I have both found sanctuary there.

These spaces profoundly impacted us. Not by fixing us, but by seeing us.

What Happens Next?

Stay tuned.

I’ve learned some hard-won lessons about leadership, projection, masculine presence, and AR in intimate relationships. But the story isn’t over.

(Next: Monetizing Authentic Relating: The Courage to Lead and My Entrepreneurial Awakening)

Are you interested in a deep-dive into AR-sourced presence practices?

Click here to find out more about the next Cohort of Authentic Relating in Community which Sophie and I are leading. It starts Sept. 2. And if you are going to be at the Transformational Connection Festival in Amsterdam, please look for us there!